


Oxygen is for the weak

by garden_hearts386



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Romelle is a confused bean, Why Did I Write This?, chat fic, correction this fic need Jesus, klance, maybe other relationships if I feel like it, shiro needs Jesus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-16 12:26:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15437022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garden_hearts386/pseuds/garden_hearts386
Summary: Gremlin™: while we are all here suffering what is today’s topic of conversation2gay2funcion: Shiro wrote me a letter in Japanese and idk what the fuck it saysSpaceGrandad: Language Keith2gay2funcion: English with a splash of TexanSpaceGrandad: nO(This is a group chat AU and honestly idk what the fuck I’m doing anymore)





	1. Welcome

**Author's Note:**

> I fucking love making group chat AUs 
> 
> You guys should def go check out my bnha chat if you like this one! 
> 
> Enjoy

Coran added Allura, Lance, Keith, Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, Krolia, and Romelle to the chat 

 

Keith: ....what have you done 

 

Coran: I created this chat so we can always check in! 

 

Pidge: ....

Pidge: do you want us to suffer?  

 

Lance: oh would you look at the time it’s half past fuck that 

 

Shiro: LANCE 

 

Lance changed Pidge’s name to Gremlin™

 

Gremlin™: ...

 

Gremlin™ changed Lance’s name to Shakira

 

Gremlin™: perish

 

Shakira: jokes on you I like that name

 

Shakira changed Keith’s name to 2gay2function

 

2gay2funcion: I’m not even going to argue 

 

Shakira changed Shiro’s name to SpaceGrandad 

 

SpaceGrandad: *sigh* I miss vodka 

 

2gay2funcion: Shiro nO

 

Romelle: What is this mess? 

 

Krolia: god damn it 

 

2gay2funcion changed Krolia’s name to crayola 

 

crayola: why did I birth you? 

 

2gay2funcion: I ask that question everyday 

 

Gremlin™ changed Hunk’s name to pure 

 

pure: yay! 

 

2gay2fuction: Christ he’s to bright

 

pure changed Romelle’s name to cornfused 

 

cornfused: ????????

 

Coran: this was a mistake 

 

Shakira changed Corans name to Mustache 

 

Shakira changed Allura’s name to Queen

 

Queen: wow 

 

Shakira: is that everyone? 

 

Gremlin™: no 

 

Gremlin™ added Danthemememan to the chat 

 

2gay2funcion: who tf is that and why is his name glorious 

 

Danthemememan: oh shit waddup 

 

2gay2funcion: nvm it’s Matt 

 

Gremlin™: while we are all here suffering what is today’s topic of conversation 

 

2gay2funcion: Shiro wrote me a letter in Japanese and idk what the fuck it says 

 

SpaceGrandad: Language Keith 

 

2gay2funcion: English with a splash of Texan 

 

SpaceGrandad: nO

 

Shakira: Shiro you better get used to these sentence enhancers bc they ain’t leaving 

 

2gay2funcion: Shiro what the hell does the letter say you literally threw it at my head when I was taking a nap 

 

SpaceGrandad: nope I want you to figure it out 

 

2gay2funcion: rude 

 

Gremlin™: come, come to my humble abode, where here we do dumb shit including translating languages 

 

2gay2funcion: imma comin 

 

Queen: What the quiznack is happening 

 

Shakira: couldn’t tell ya 

 

Mustache: this was a serious mistake 

 

2gay2funcion: Shiro What The Fuck 

 

Gremlin™: at this point I’m not surprised 

 

Shakira: does this involve why you two were laughing like seagulls

 

2gay2funcion: rude

 

2gay2funcion: and yes

 

SpaceGrandad: Keith what happened to patients yields focus

 

2gay2funcion: patients yields focus my ass you never taught me Japanese

 

Shakira: what does it say? 

 

SpaceGrandad: NO

 

2gay2function: yes 

 

Gremlin™: it says 

 

“Lettuce, Lettuce, Lettuce, try translating this I dare you, Roses are red, Violets are red, Everything is red. Communism” 

 

2gay2function: first of all: why

second of all: are you on crack 

 

Shakira: WHAT THE- 

 

crayola: oh god 

 

SpaceGrandad: I need a nap 

 

Gremlin™: yeah no shit 

 

Shakira: I caNt BrEaThE COMMUNISM???

 

Queen: What is communism??? 

 

pure: honey, Earth is a mess and I’d rather not explain 

 

2gay2funcion: laddies and gentlemen introducing Shiro the literal idiot 

 

SpaceGrandad: you are grounded 

 

2gay2funcion: binch I’m an adult you can’t ground shit 

 

Shakira: binch

 

Gremlin™: binch

 

pure: binch 

 

SpaceGrandad: binch 

 

2gay2funcion: I feel personally attacked rn 

 

2gay2function: also why communism?? Like I have never heard you even say that word 

 

SpaceGrandad: it needed something out of context 

 

Gremlin™: “alright that’s it you are in time out, get on top of the fridge get up there” 

 

Shakira: THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE 

 

Gremlin™: I miss vine 

 

cornfused: You people concern me 

 

Shakira: good 

 

pure: Jesus 

* * *

 

SpaceGrandad: Keith I just ate 15 packets of something similar to cherry koolaid and I feel like I’m dying 

 

2gay2funcion: fucking-AGAIN???

 

Shakira: what do you mean by again?

 

2gay2function: we’ve been over this, your addiction is getting problematic 

 

Gremlin™: I just saw Shiro eat another packet 

 

2gay2funcion: WHOMSTVE

 

2gay2function: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT 

 

SpaceGrandad: I astral projected myself into hell and found it 

 

2gay2funcion: .....

 

Shakira: ew I just tried one of those how do you eat more that 15? 

 

2gay2funcion: Lan Ce N o

 

SpaceGrandad: welp the ceiling is spinning 

 

2gay2function: I’m not helping you this time 

 

crayola: this is the man that helped raise my son 

 

crayola: what a legend 

 

2gay2funcion: mother you aren’t helping 

 

SpaceGrandad: hello children I am a parental 

 

pure: aaaaaamd he’s lost it 

 

Gremlin™: his brain went straight down the rabbit hole 

 

SpaceGrandad: weeeeeeeeee

 

2gay2funcion: Shiro are you sure that was koolaid and not cocain 

 

SpaceGrandad: I think part of my brain was left in the astral plane 

 

Shakira: seems legit 

 

SpaceGrandad: I feel like baymax from big hero 6 

 

Gremlin™: weeee jumped out a wiiindooow

 

Mustache: Paladins it’s late! 

 

2gay2function: sleep? Idk her 

 

Danthemememan: Shiro, you are eating koolaid without me? 

 

Danthemememan: I feel betrayed 

 

Gremlin™: you two need Jesus 

 

Danthemememan: obvi 

 

Gremlin™: I just like how Shiro is the kind of guy that language barriers but then literally does drugs 

 

2gay2funcion: nah he cusses but not in front of you guys, he wants to seem like the “dad” of the group 

 

Gremlin™: that obviously backfired 

 

Shakira: wow such an inspiration 

 

Mustache: I thought I locked that stuff up

 

Gremlin™: out of all the things you bring from the castle you bring drugs 

 

Gremlin™: Shiro now sounds like a drunk toddler 

 

SpaceGrandad: heyyyyyyy 

 

2gay2funcion: alright time for bed 

 

SpaceGrandad: you aren’t my mom 

 

2gay2funcion: no but I sure do feel like it 

 

Shakira: pffft 

 

cornfused: ???????

 

pure: oh you poor thing 

 

cornfused: I have never been so confused 

 

cornfused: where am I? 

 

Gremlin™: welcome to bible study we are all children of Jesus 

 

Mustache: PALADINS 

 

Shakira: fine fine 

 


	2. Whoops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My phone is having a seizure rn 
> 
> Enjoy this garbage
> 
> Also I know I am misspelling Keith’s screen name I’m just too lazy to fix it

Shakira: hey Pidge how tall ru

 

Gremlin™: height is a social construct 

 

Shakira: so u short 

 

Gremlin™: sleep with one eye open 

 

Shakira: oh bother 

> whinnie the Pooh’s equivalent of “Mother Fucking Shit” 

 

Queen: it’s way too early for this 

 

pure: eh we need some excitement in the morning 

 

pure: keeps the blood pumping 

 

SpaceGrandad: oh god I feel like death just hit me in the head with a baseball bat 

 

2gay2funcion: that’s what u get 

 

SpaceGrandad: rude 

 

Gremlin™: quick what’s everyone’s fav vine GO

 

pure: why is this important 

 

Gremlin™: just do it 

 

Shakira: Freshavacado

 

2gay2function: road work ahead, uh yeah I sure hope it does 

 

Gremlin™: what the fuck Richard 

 

pure: you are my dad, you’re my dad, boodgie woogie woogie 

 

Danthemememan: Chris is that a weed? 

 

SpaceGrandad: .....

 

2gay2funcion: hoe don’t do it 

 

SpaceGrandad: *cries* ADAM 

 

2gay2function: oh my god not again 

 

Shakira: ?????

 

2gay2funcion: He had a boyfriend named Adam 

 

Shakira: oooof that’s fucking tragic 

 

2gay2funcion: yeah I know 

 

2gay2funcion: when they broke up before the Kerberos mission I found him on the ground at 3 am with raspberries on his fingers saying 

 

2gay2funcion: “do you ever just get sad?” 

 

Shakira: relatable 

 

2gay2funcion: he is such a gay disaster 

 

Gremlin™: says you 

 

2gay2funcion: touché 

 

Queen: What in the world is a vine? 

 

pure: our culture 

 

Queen: What an..interesting culture 

 

Gremlin™: oh you haven’t even seen half of it 

 

Mustache: Krolia how did you survive Earth? 

 

crayola: I was a hermit the entire time 

 

crayola: “civilization who?” 

 

Mustache: I see your point 

 

2gay2funcion: she had to be a hermit or else the cap headed fucks at the Garrison would have killed her 

 

Shakira: man would I kill to punch Iverson rn 

 

2gay2funcion: id rather punch that douche canoe James 

 

pure: wait, the kid that tried to insult your parents? 

 

crayola: excusemewhat 

 

Shakira: ooooh yeah 

 

Shakira: dude you punched his ass to next Tuesday for that 

 

pure: when we show up to earth you are literally going to scare the shit out of him 

 

Gremlin™: *is visibly taller and muscular, has a badass scar on face, a big ass robot lion, space wolf and alien mother* “sup asshole it’s been a while”

 

Shakira: please do that 

 

2gay2funcion: noted 

 

pure: literally the entire Garrison will be s h o o k when they see us 

 

Shakira: ikr I’m so pumped to rub it in all the instructors faces 

 

Gremlin™: it will be legendary 

 

Mustache: I don’t know how to involve myself in this conversation

 

Shakira: eh just say something random

 

Mustache: CORAN CORAN THE GORGEOUS MAN

 

pure: why did I see that coming? 

 

Gremlin™: amazing

 

2gay2function: I just remembered that one teacher at the Garrison wtf was his name? He always gave the horrible advice 

 

Shakira: oooooh Mr. fucking Carter 

 

pure: “sir, do you have any advice for us?” 

 

Gremlin™: “don’t fuck shit up” 

 

pure: *whipes away tears* truly inspirational 

 

cornfused: What kind of instructor gives that advice? 

 

2gay2function: an excellent one 

 

SpaceGrandad: Christ 

 

Shakira: I’m mostly excited to see Iversons reaction to Shiro 

 

Shakira: he thinks you are dead and you look dead 

 

SpaceGrandad: boo bitch 

 

2gay2funcion: SHIRO 

 

Shakira: wow would you look at that the roles reversed 

 

2gay2funcion: I need a nap 

 

Gremlin™: same 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself 
> 
> Sorry for such a mess I haven’t slept a full night for 2 weeks


	3. Romelle protection squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pfft I don’t know wtf this is... yeah I suck ass at summaries

Shakira: AHHHHHHHHH

 

Gremlin™: AHHHHHHHH

 

pure: AHHHHHH

 

2gay2funcion: fuck me sideways why are you all screaming 

 

Shakira: WE ARE ALMOST HOME BABY 

 

SpaceGrandad: Christ 

 

Gremlin™: Matt are you and the rebel’s on their way? 

 

Danthemememan: AHHHHHHH

 

pure: I take that as a yes 

 

SpaceGrandad: quick question 

 

SpaceGrandad: how exactly are we going to land on earth 

 

SpaceGrandad: bc we all know the Garrison will still have a seizure 

 

Shakira: this is how 

*lands on earth formed as voltron in a crouching position* 

 

“We’Re gAy”

 

SpaceGrandad: NO

 

Shakira: yes

 

2gay2funcion: I was thinking around the area of

*lions land and everyone strolls out in unison* “sup sluts”

 

Gremlin™: short and simple 

 

Gremlin™: I like it 

 

Shakira: as we are all waiting for our amazing arrival to our home

 

Shakira: What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo 

 

pure: no 

 

Shakira: one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter 

 

Gremlin™: bu dum tsss

 

2gay2funcion: get out 

 

pure: wait I sense something 

 

Gremlin™: ruh roh 

 

pure: I sense emotions 

 

Shakira: Keith did you punch a wall again 

 

2gay2funcion: ok rude 

 

pure: no it’s...different 

 

pure: Coran, Allura, Krolia, Romelle check in 

 

Mustache: Greetings!

 

Queen: Hello!

 

crayola: fuck off I was sleeping 

 

pure: Romelle??

 

cornfused: .....

 

pure: you good? 

 

cornfused: idk I just feel like I’m in a way “lower” than you guys

 

cornfused: I know I just got here but you guys are all so close it’s so perfect and I’m...not

 

cornfused: idk it’s probably bc I didnt make any other freinds after Lotor killed my first ones 

 

pure: shit we’ve got a case of feeling insecure 

 

pure: quick we need compliments, hugs and more hugs stat 

 

pure: ROMELLE PROTECTION SQUAD GO

 

Shakira: awwww Romelle don’t feel like that we love you! 

 

Gremlin™: there is no such thing as perfect 

 

Gremlin™: you are amazing as you are Romelle

 

Gremlin™: even with imperfections you can still do anything including hanging out with us 

 

SpaceGrandad: wow Pidge that was..awesome 

 

2gay2funcion: wait a minute... 

 

2gay2funcion: was that fucking bathtub barracuda from courage the cowardly dog 

 

Gremlin™: ok how do you know that 

 

2gay2funcion: I wasn’t that much of a hermit Pidge 

 

cornfused: thank you bathtub barracuda 

 

Shakira: that show was on drugs 

 

pure: drugs that taught life lessons 

 

pure: but anyway, Romelle! We love your company, don’t be afraid to join in! Also you aren’t lower than us 

 

pure: if anyone says that I’m fighting a bitch 

 

Shakira: Hunk’s protection mode: ON

 

cornfused: thank you! 

 

cornfused: now I feel so much better 

 

pure: YAY! 

 

Shakira: Hunk I love you 

 

Gremlin™: gotta love that boi

 

2gay2funcion: a 10/10 good boi 

 

pure: awww guys I’m going to blush 

 

SpaceGrandad: What is happening 

 

Shakira: the appreciation of a golden boi what do you think?

 

SpaceGrandad: ah

* * *

2gay2funcion: wait.................

 

2gay2funcion: LANCE YOU LITTLE PRICK 

 

Shakira: hello? 

 

2gay2funcion: YOU REMEMBER THE BONDING MOMENT 

 

Shakira: ....

 

Shakira: hUnK

 

pure: whoops 

 

Shakira: #brotrayal 

 

2gay2funcion: why did you lie you little shit 

 

Shakira: WE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL SINCE I WAS 12 AND YOU FORGOT WHO I WAS 

 

2gay2funcion: wHaT Ru TalKinG abOUt

 

Shakira: don’t pull that bull shit 

 

Gremlin™: lance you sound like a mom 

 

pure: the only reason Keith forgot you was bc after he was kicked out you had a hella big glow up 

 

Shakira: excuseme? 

 

pure: dude don’t deny, you literally were the size of a peanut 

 

pure: a nugget™

 

Gremlin™: So you’re telling me that when Keith saw lance he had a GayPanic moment? 

 

pure: Keith.ex has stopped working 

 

2gay2funcion: IM STILL HERE 

 

Shakira: the reason you forgot who I was, was legit bc I grew like 3 feet? 

 

2gay2funcion: also those bangs you had ooof

 

2gay2funcion: a mistake was made 

 

Shakira: ok rude 

 

crayola: eye spy with my little eye: sexual tension 

 

Shakira: what 

 

2gay2funcion: What 

 

Queen: What 

 

Mustache: What 

 

cornfused: What 

 

Gremlin™: HOLY SHIT KEITH I LOVE YOUR MOM 

 

2gay2funcion: MOTHER 

 

Gremlin™: I’m not an expert but GAYYYYY

 

SpaceGrandad: I am an expert. That’s gay 

 

Shakira: SHIROOOOO 

 

2gay2funcion: AJSBAJANSBSJAKZB

 

pure: ah shit we broke them 

 

2gay2funcion: I’m leaving the team 

 

Gremlin™: god damn it and we just got him back too 

 

pure: if you do that Lance will get depressed again 

 

Shakira: HUNK 

 

pure: whoops 

 

2gay2funcion: ......

 

2gay2funcion: PARDON FUCKING ME 

 

Shakira: someone throw me into space or shoot me in the head 

 

Shakira: EITHER IS FINE 

 

2gay2funcion: LANCE 

 

Shakira: WHA T T

 

Shakira: WE WERE GETTING ALONG AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU BLAST YOUR ASS INTO THE BLADES OF MIDLIFE CRISIS 

 

Gremlin™: Blades of midlife crisis 

 

pure: blades of marmalade 

 

Queen: blades of Manchester 

 

crayola: why is that accurate 

 

Gremlin™: wait Allura how the fuck-

 

Shakira: OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT 

 

2gay2funcion: WELL SORRY 

 

SpaceGrandad: why are you screaming Jesus 

 

2gay2funcion: YOU WERE FEEING INSECURE AND WANTED TO STEP ASIDE 

 

2gay2funcion: WELL BITCH I HELPED YOUR ASS OUT

 

Gremlin™: wait...

 

Shakira: wut

 

2gay2funcion:........

 

2gay2funcion: well god it’s been fun 

 

2gay2funcion left the chat 

 

Shakira: f u c k 

 

Gremlin™: oh god you two are hopeless

 

Shakira: ANSBSJAKZBSUAUZHSB

 

crayon: Jesus Christ I think the dumbass just had an aneurism 

 

Shakira: what DO I do

 

Gremlin™: it’s your fault, so fix it  Mr. clueless 

 

pure: I just read that as Mr. gluestick 

 

SpaceGrandad: What is wrong with you 

 

pure: good question 

 

Shakira: BleasE

 

Gremlin™: I’m sorry the Banser Machine is Broken try again later 

 

Shakira: PIDGE FUCK OFF

 

Gremlin™: no u 

 

Shakira: AHHHHHHHHHG

 

Shakira left the chat 

 

Mustache: that went well 

 

crayola: I raised a sad sap 

 

Gremlin™: and now we wait 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Romelle is a special bean and needs to be protected at all costs


	4. Hi welcome to chili’s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is such a mess I’m so sorry

__pure: are Keith and Lance still having a #gaypanic moment?

 

Gremlin™: most likely 

 

Queen: I heard running earlier 

 

Gremlin™: ruh roh 

 

pure: das not good 

 

Mustache: I am going to find them, it’s been a while...

 

pure: uhhhh not a good idea 

 

Mustache: if there are wild animals I can protect myself plus, this planet isn’t that big 

 

Gremlin™: not what he meant but sure. Have fun looking for them 

 

Mustache: thank you!

 

pure: you are evil 

 

Gremlin™: thanks it’s an art 

* * *

 

 

Mustache: .........

 

Gremlin™: pffffft let me guess, you found them 

 

Mustache: yeahhh....and they were...um very aggressively..

 

pure: bleach my brain 

 

Mustache: ...making out 

 

pure: phew 

 

pure: oh god being around you guys made me dirty 

 

SpaceGrandad: HUNK OH MY JESU-

 

Queen: wow that was fast 

 

crayola: Christ 

 

Mustache added 2gay2funcion and Shakira to the chat 

 

Gremlin™: good job fuck tards, you scarred a child 

 

Mustache: ...heyyyyyy

 

Shakira:  siabdjakbshakabsv I’m so sorry Coran

 

2gay2funcion: .....

 

Gremlin™: well now we don’t have to deal with your oblivious asses 

 

2gay2funcion: technically, I can get away with murder 

 

Gremlin™: do it I dare you 

 

SpaceGrandad: pidge dont tempt him, yesterday I saw him kill a fly with a throwing knife 

 

2gay2funcion: re re bitch 

 

pure: JESUS

 

Mustache: I was very concerned for you guys 

 

Shakira: why????

 

Mustache: because you were sucking each other faces so much I thought someone would lose a soul 

 

pure: and there you have it laddies and gents 

 

Shakira: SOSBAJHXJAKbdhsissbaiBsb

 

2gay2funcion: CHRIST 

 

pure: ok serious question: who kissed who first 

 

2gay2funcion: lance kissed me 

 

Shakira: yeah but you almost threw me into a fucking ditch 

 

2gay2funcion: YOu CaUgHT Me OFf GuARd 

 

Shakira: WeLl SoRRY 

 

SpaceGrandad: this escalated real fast 

 

Danthemememan: wow I missed a lot 

 

crayola: bean pole 

 

Shakira: what did you just- 

 

crayola: what are your intentions with my son? 

 

Shakira: why are you acting all motherly? Dead ass yesterday you said to me that we should bone 

 

2gay2funcion: MUM NO

 

Gremlin™: why is Krolia my favorite being? 

 

Gremlin™: also Hunk you owe me 10 bucks 

 

pure: DAMN IT 

 

Shakira: I hate you guys 

 

2gay2funcion: ????????

 

pure: I said Keith would kiss first and pidge said lance 

 

Gremlin™: for a hot minute when we first met I thought Keith was straight but then I had a realization

 

Gremlin™: he ain’t girl crazy what so ever like the rest of the group (not including Shiro and Coran) 

 

Queen: “hot minute”

 

Gremlin™: So I thought “welp hooty hoo bitch there is a reason for that” 

 

pure: HOOTY HOO BITCH 

 

2gay2funcion: rude 

 

pure: and wait a minute wait a minute STOP 

 

pure: everyone???? 

 

Gremlin™: did I fucking stutter? 

 

pure: ????

 

Gremlin™: Shay 

 

pure: crap now I see it 

 

Gremlin™: also no girl on this planet is straight 

 

pure: did you just come out??

 

Gremlin™: not the point 

 

Danthemememan: Voltron, Chilling in a hot tub, 2 inches apart cause they’re all gay 

 

SpaceGrandad: god please 

 

Shakira: I’m thriving guys 

 

pure: why bc Keith, the guy you’ve been crushing on since you were 12, is finally dating your ass 

 

pure: also, your gay panic rose from a 5 to about an 11 when Keith got back from the quantum abyss 

 

Shakira: fuck me backwards and shove a stick up my ass 

 

2gay2funcion: What was that? 

 

Shakira: Hunk did I ever tell you that I hate you? 

 

pure: awwwww love you too

 

Shakira: I have a sword dude, in about .3 seconds imma chop chop your ass 

 

2gay2funcion: you have WAT

 

pure: basically 

Lance- *sees Keith beat the shit out of a little punk who was abt to disrespect his parents when he is a known mamas boy*

 

Lance: this guys fucKING RULES 

 

pure: also: 

Lance- *sees Keith after his 2 year glow up in the quantum abyss* 

 

Lance- that boi thICCC

 

Shakira: shut 

 

Gremlin™: pffft shut 

 

2gay2funcion: shut 

 

cornfused: shut 

 

Mustache: shut 

 

Queen: man today is just filled with secrets 

 

Danthemememan: while we are all just spilling some tea, let me share a quick secret to my success: 

 

Danthemememan: eat ass, smoke grass, and sled fast 

 

pure: SLED GANG 

 

Gremlin™: SLED GANG 

 

Shakira: SLED GANG 

 

SpaceGrandad: FOR CHRIST SAKE 

 

SpaceGrandad: a 2 year nap sounds f a n t a s t i c right about now 

 

2gay2funcion: Shiro that’s called death 

 

SpaceGrandad: hm sounds festive 

 

2gay2funcion: U ALREADY DIED 

 

SpaceGrandad: why not once more 

 

2gay2funcion: too bad you didn’t come with a receipt 

 

2gay2funcion: *calls Haggar Incorp* 

“Hi id like to return a Shiro”  

 

SpaceGrandad: I should have left you on that street corner where I found you 

 

2gay2funcion: but cha didn’t 

 

pure: why are you like this 

 

2gay2funcion: I think I lost a few dozen brain cells while up here 

 

Gremlin™: seems realistic 

 

crayola: why did I choose to associate myself with these ass wanks 

 

2gay2funcion: bc your son made you 

 

crayola: oh yeah, why did I crelate you? 

 

2gay2funcion: idk mother why did you? 

 

Gremlin™: HA I just overheard a convo with Matt and another rebel over the coms 

 

Gremlin™: “Y-you did drugs without me?? What is this democracy?” -Matt 

 

Danthemememan: I swear I’m an adult 

 

pure: this is a mess 

 

Shakira: CaNt BrEaTHe

 

pure: anyone got anything else to say or are we all randomed out for the day 

 

Shakira: if I were an insect I’d be Lance the socially awkward bee with anxiety 

 

Gremlin™: accurate 

 

pure: anything else 

 

Shakira: .....

 

Shakira: Wildcats! 

 

2gay2funcion: nope shut it down 

 

Shakira: r00d

 

Mustache: it’s getting late! 

 

Gremlin™: already?? Christ this day was whiplash 

 

Shakira: honestly tho 

* * *

 

Danthemememan: hi welcome to chili’s 

 

SpaceGrandad: sleep Matt

 

Danthemememan: sleep is for the WEAK 

 

SpaceGrandad: I’ll tell your mother when we get back 

 

Danthemememan: shit gn 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had half of this typed out and then my phone had a seizure so it deleted fucking everything sooooo. My day has been great


	5. TOT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not even going to attempt summarizing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is fucking stupid so ignore me plzzzz

Shakira: REEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

Gremlin™: REEEEEEEEEEE

 

2gay2funcion: Jesus fuck 

 

SpaceGrandad: why are you unleashing the sounds of the damned at 3 in the morning 

 

Shakira: BC WE ALMOST HOME BITCHES 

 

Danthemememan: F U CK

 

Gremlin™: ?????

 

Danthemememan: WE GOT CAUGHT IN A PREDICAMENT 

 

Gremlin™: Matt, you better be coming

 

Danthemememan: .......I’m not coming 

 

Gremlin™: *smashes keyboard* 

 

Shakira: W HY

 

Danthemememan: bc some asshole furries had to blast our ships engines so we are stuck for a while until more rebels can pick us up 

 

Danthemememan: sooooooo 

 

Danthemememan: say hi to mom for me?????

 

Gremlin™: I’ll tell her you got yourself shot into a worm hole 

 

Danthemememan: thx Pidge I really appreciate it 

 

Danthemememan: I’ll be there eventually just not, soon 

 

2gay2funcion: wa r fl as h back s 

 

Shakira: Keith no

 

Gremlin™: HA it’s funny bc lance got his wish for sticking Keith in a worm hole 

 

Shakira: PIDG- wait...

 

pure: good job Pidge you over worked his brain 

 

Shakira: ok rude 

 

2gay2funcion: wait a minute Matt did you just call the Galra 

 

2gay2funcion: furries??? 

 

Danthemememan: You know what I said 

 

2gay2funcion: you are lucky you ain’t here bc I would have REKT your ass

 

Gremlin™: does that mean lance is dating a furry 

 

Shakira: god fucking damn it pidge 

 

Gremlin™: I mean you do you pal 

 

Shakira: get out 

 

Mustache: what is happening 

 

2gay2funcion: a shit storm 

 

Mustache: great 

* * *

 

2gay2funcion: yo assholes where the fuck is my fucking knife 

 

SpaceGrandad: Keith calm down with the language and be nicer 

 

2gay2funcion: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my fucking knife

 

SpaceGrandad: nO

 

Shakira: alright cursing is now illegal since you don’t know how to behave 

 

2gay2funcion: heck 

 

Gremlin™: why are you like this 

 

Shakira: who knows 

 

Shakira: your knife is in my lion btw

 

pure: why was his knife in- nvm I don’t want to know 

 

SpaceGrandad: WHO TAUGHT HUNK TO THINK LIKE THAT

 

Gremlin™: probably the space mice 

 

2gay2funcion: thx 

 

Mustache: Paladins! I found something fun I’d like to share 

 

Shakira: share away 

 

Mustache: ᕙ(˵ ಠ ਊ ಠ ˵)ᕗ

 

Mustache: tis I the gorgeous man 

 

Gremlin™: EW WTF 

 

2gay2funcion: BEGONE

 

Shakira: BEGONE TOT

 

Shakira: FUCK FUCK *THOT 

 

Gremlin™: TOT 

 

2gay2funcion: TOT 

 

Danthemememan:TOT

 

Pure: TOT

 

crayola: TOT

 

Shakira: RUDE 

 

Gremlin™ changed Shakira’s name to TATER-THOT

 

SpaceGrandad: Can y’all like.....not

 

Mustache: ᕙ〳 ರ ︿ ರೃ 〵ᕗ

 

Queen: awwww Coran 

 

Mustache: it’s ok, I’m ok 

 

TATER-THOT: I don’t appreciate this harassment 

 

crayola: good 

 

pure: OMG GUYS 

 

pure: I JUST REALIZED WE ARE LIKE 3 HOUR AWAY FROM EARTH 

 

pure: I CANT FINALLY TASTE PB&J AGAIN 

 

TATER-THOT: omg I’m a slut for some good pb&j

 

2gay2funcion: as a kid I used to fucking hate that 

 

2gay2funcion: but now as an “adult” I’m over here like “this perfect combo is one of gods most generous gifts” 

 

Gremlin™: pffffft “adult” 

 

2gay2funcion: but as soon as I get to earth I’m literally shoving a quesadilla down my throat 

 

TATER-THOT: honestly same 

 

2gay2funcion: pb&j is good not gonna lie but I can make a mean quesadilla 

 

SpaceGrandad: He really does 

 

pure: ok so as we are talking about food serious question: 

do you like pizza with people Neapolitan?

 

TATER-THOT: What the fresh fuck is that?

 

pure: AUTO CORRECT

 

pure: I meant to type fucking pineapple but my phone decided “ha nope”

 

Gremlin™: I have never seen such a bad auto correct in my life 

 

Danthemememan: epic fail 

 

Gremlin™: Matt I can just picture you sitting on a rock like a weeb, waiting for rescuing 

 

Gremlin™: and to answer your question no it’s a sin and I refuse to eat it 

 

Danthemememan: bold of you to say I’m _just_ sitting on the rock 

 

TATER-THOT: ....

 

Danthemememan: fuck that came out wrong 

 

cornfused: idk what’s happening 

 

Gremlin™: If you were T-posing on the damn rock ISTG

 

Danthemememan: ........

 

Gremlin™: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM 

 

TATER-THOT: I like how we ignore hunks question, and btw yes I like it occasionally 

 

Queen: What do you mean by “problem”?

 

Gremlin™: he T poses religiously 

 

SpaceGrandad: it’s tru, during finals he and 2 other pot heads stood in the middle of the hall and screamed “we are men” with the titanic song in the background 

 

2gay2funcion: What the hell 

 

Danthemememan: T POSE TO SHOW YOUR DOMINANCE 

 

Gremlin™: god damn it Matt

 

TATER-THOT: a living meme 

 

Danthemememan: thank you thank you I try 

 

Queen: I’m so cornfused 

 

cornfused: I’ve been summoned??

 

Gremlin™: pffffft 

 

2gay2funcion: wow this went down hill real fast 

 

pure: did we smoke something? Maybe 

 

TATER-THOT: it’s a _high_ possibility 

 

SpaceGrandad: Christ 

* * *

TATER-THOT: WEEEE ARE LANDING ANAKABSJAKSBDISNSHSIDBSJ

 

Gremlin™: hey lets not text while driving plz we don’t want an accident 

 

TATER-THOT: Pidge I am fully capable of flying a lion 

 

Gremlin™: obviously not bc you almost rammed into the yellow lions ass 

 

pure: I don’t appreciate tailgating thank you and goodbye 

 

SpaceGrandad: PUT YOUR PHONES DOWN I DONT WANT TO DIE AGAIN 

 

2gay2funcion: since when?

 

SpaceGrandad: KEITH 

 

* * *

Gremlin™: pfft I have never seen a guy so fucking angry in my life 

 

TATER-THOT: “WHAT IN THE DEVILS ASS DID YOU LITTLE SHITS DO!?” -Iverson 

 

pure: I think he popped a vein 

 

2gay2funcion: we are all just walkin around the halls not talking 

 

2gay2funcion: I’m getting some very unpleasant flashbacks 

 

pure: it’s funny bc they saw Krolia and about shit themselves 

 

Gremlin™: literally every student we pass has a seizure 

 

pure: also was I just imagining things or did that officer unintentionally quote a vine 

 

Gremlin™: *Keith’s wolf charges at officer abt to touch Keith* 

“Aahajjdjandjsj GET YOUR FUCKING DOG BITCH” 

 

“it don’t bite” 

 

“YES IT DO-“

 

pure: the best part is that Keith went along with it 

 

2gay2funcion: thanks it’s a talent 

 

Queen: why aren’t we talking? 

 

pure: bc the atmosphere is so thick it can be cut with a butter knife 

 

TATER-THOT: KEEEF 

 

2gay2funcion: call me that again and you die 

 

TATER-THOT: bet

 

TATER-THOT: but anyway I see that fuck trumpet James 

 

2gay2funcion: WHE RE

 

Gremlin™: pffft fuck trumpet 

 

TATER-THOT: 12 o’clock 

 

pure: who is the officer he is talking to 

 

2gay2funcion: ......

 

SpaceGrandad: HOLY

 

pure: WHAT THE FUK COME BACK

 

crayola: why did those two just book it down the hall 

 

TATER-THOT: here we go 

 

Gremlin™: wrow what a change in events 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA cliff hanger 
> 
> I hate myself


	6. Welcome to the disaster zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* ADAM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance bc this is a mess

_i_ Danthemememan: hey

 

Danthemememan: the fuck is happening 

 

TATER-THOT: i don’t really know at this point it’s all a blur 

 

Danthemememan: What did Keith do 

 

TATER-THOT: so like as we are walking Keith and Shiro see some prick student talking to an officer and they break to a dead on sprint towards them 

 

pure: gotta go fast!

 

Gremlin™: stop shut it down 

 

TATER-THOT: Keith punches the officer in the gut and then looks at James with the most muerderous glare I have ever seen causing him to FAINT 

 

pure: I think he lost like 15 years off his life when he saw Keith

 

Gremlin™: that’ll do it to ya

 

TATER-THOT: then to make things worse Shiro tackles the officer and Keith’s space wolf teleports ONTOP OF THEM 

 

Queen: I’m just sitting here confused 

 

pure: shit hit the fan in a span of .5 seconds 

 

TATER-THOT: great googly moogly 

 

pure: ........

 

Gremlin™: .......

 

pure: so that happened 

 

Danthemememan: hi yes I’m not present to see this shit WHAT IS HAPPENING 

 

Gremlin™: it sucks to suck Matt

 

Danthemememan: sueing 

 

pure: the officer Shiro tackled started crying and then kissed him 

 

Danthemememan: wait a minute....

 

Danthemememan: *gasp* ADAM 

 

pure: god damn it his name is too much of a meme to take seriously 

 

2gay2funcion: whoops 

 

TATER-THOT: good job Keith you killed a child 

 

2gay2funcion: he’s not dead 

 

Gremlin™: sadly

 

2gay2funcion: I’m leaving him on the ground 

 

pure: good plan 

 

SpaceGrandad: wow I think I like blacked out for a second what a rush 

 

pure: Shiro who tf is that 

 

SpaceGrandad: ......

 

SpaceGrandad added ADAM to the chat 

 

pure: Shiro be a normal human being for once and introduce us in person 

 

SpaceGrandad: nope 

 

ADAM: Shiro....

 

pure: fuck Iverson is coming over and he DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY 

 

TATER-THOT: when is he ever 

 

Gremlin™: is anyone going to ignore how fast Shiro added him to the chat or-

 

ADAM: can someone get this wolf off my chest I can’t breathe 

 

2gay2funcion: shIT

* * *

 

 

ADAM: Shiro What did I tell you not to do before you left 

 

SpaceGrandad: ....die in space 

 

ADAM: and what did you do

 

SpaceGrandad: ..... I died in space 

 

Gremlin™: OOOF

 

ADAM: I didn’t ask for this God

 

TATER-THOT: oh yeah did you know that Shiro was actually back on earth for a hot minute before getting blasted back into space 

 

ADAM: yes, yes I fucking did 

 

ADAM: I snuck into the damn place with a hazmat suit to save his ass but then his toddler brother knocked me out and shot him back up into space 

 

2gay2funcion: I’m that toddler 

 

Gremlin™: Keith you are an adult 

 

2gay2funcion: who let me be an adult? 

 

SpaceGrandad: *sigh*

 

ADAM: I thought we were cool man 

 

2gay2funcion: you could have taken that mask of at any point dumbass 

 

pure: get REKT

 

Danthemememan: top 10 anime betrayals 

 

ADAM: YOU LITERALLY STOLE MY BOYFRIEND 

 

TATER-THOT: *gasp* a theif

 

2gay2funcion: I before e except after c hon

 

TATER-THOT: *gasp* a Thceif

 

2gay2funcion: NO 

 

pure: so yeah Adam welcome to the family that tried to keep Shiro alive 

 

Gremlin™: hi welcome to chili’s 

 

ADAM: you obviously didn’t try hard enough HE LOST AN ARM

 

Gremlin™: technically that’s not even his real body 

 

SpaceGrandad: SHUT

 

ADAM: come again 

 

SpaceGrandad: Pidge I swear 

 

Gremlin™: say hello to Shiro 2.0 

 

Gremlin™: he is the same exact person but with some big ol biddies™ and a splash of PTSD

 

pure: did you just say Shiro has tits 

 

Gremlin™: I said biddies, boy titties, there is a difference Hunk 

 

pure: Shiro ain’t no boy 

 

Gremlin™: no but he acts like one 

 

SpaceGrandad: YOU KNOW WHAT 

 

Gremlin™: What bitch 

 

SpaceGrandad: MATT CONTROL HER

 

Danthemememan: I would but....I have better things to do 

 

Gremlin™: *takes long sip of coffee* bet

 

Danthemememan: FIGHT ME GREMLIN

╰༼⇀︿⇀༽つ-]═──

 

pure: PUT THE SWORD DOWN 

 

Danthemememan: I WONT HESITATE BITCH 

 

pure: I’m so tired 

 

ADAM: ....

 

2gay2funcion: none of us have slept a full night in like a month 

 

ADAM: are you guys ok? 

 

TATER-THOT: physically sure, mentally? 

 

TATER-THOT: Lmao-no 

 

ADAM: Christ 

 

Gremlin™: it’s fine we mostly just run on alien energy drinks mixed with the constant thought of death 

 

ADAM: ...I-

 

Gremlin™: Is it bad I can smell colors 

 

ADAM: SHIRO

 

SpaceGrandad: oh Neptune...

 

ADAM: are you that bad at supervision 

 

SpaceGrandad: literally half the time they were taking care of me 

 

SpaceGrandad: So obviously we had some issues 

 

Mustache: ......

 

crayola: what is happening 

 

pure: idk I think we a scaring Shiros boyfriend 

 

Queen: great 

 

crayola: I’ve scared a few children today 

 

crayola: I count that as successful 

 

2gay2funcion: mother nO

 

pure: you literally made a kid faint 

 

2gay2funcion: touché 

 

ADAM: wait wait wait 

 

ADAM: mother????

 

Gremlin™: pffffft Adam say hello to Krolia the alien who fucked a human 

 

pure: pidge it’s like you are asking for death 

 

Gremlin™: who says I’m not 

 

pure: damn ok bitch 

 

ADAM: how did no one know about this????

 

crayola: bc y’all obvious as shit 

 

pure: yeah there was a giant ass space cat not far from the Garrison and you had no idea 

 

pure: that bitch was on Earth for like 10,000 years and no body found it 

 

Gremlin™: *looks at the writers of this show like I’m from the Office*

 

pure: wait was that a fourth wall break 

 

Gremlin™: I have no idea what you are talking about 

 

ADAM: good lord 

 

pure: um I just heard a pubescent child scream “FUCK ME” with the response of another child screaming “MAYBE I WILL” 

 

Gremlim™: NOT IN MY CHRISTAIN NEIGHBORHOOD 

 

pure: they were both the tiniest boys I have ever seen 

 

2gay2funcion: the gay is taking over 

 

TATER-THOT: ahhhh man school is such a great environment 

 

pure: I’m so sad 20gayteen is almost over 

 

TATER-THOT: ha you thought hoes 

 

TATER-THOT: 20biteen bitches

 

Gremlin™: I like it 

 

ADAM: so this is what you lived with Shiro 

 

SpaceGrandad: sadly yes 

 

2gay2funcion: fuck off Shiro you weren’t any better 

 

2gay2funcion: almost every day I had to check the air lock to make sure he wasn’t about to launch his ass into space 

 

SpaceGrandad: blast off mother fuckers 

 

pure: wow he destroyed that filter 

 

ADAM: SHIRO nO

 

SpaceGrandad: SHIRO yEs

 

Queen: hi um yes all of us aliens are getting death stare please send help immediately 

 

Gremlin™: oh worm 

 

pure: shit we comin 

 

TATER-THOT: they at least have Krolia 

 

cornfused: good point 

 


	7. We’re the BaCkYarDIganS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another mess I’m going to apologize for

2gay2function: babe I fucking love your family 

 

pure: babe? ;)

 

2gay2function: hUsH

 

TATER-THOT: I think my lung collapsed from literally every member of my family jumping ontop of me

 

pure: that’ll do it to ya 

 

TATER-THOT: but then my mom bitch slapped me in the face with her sandal bc I’ve been gone too long 

 

TATER-THOT: if you say that’ll do it to ya one more time I stg

 

Gremlin™: that’ll do it to ya 

 

TATER-THOT: suffer 

 

SpaceGrandad: does anyone want anything from the store 

 

2gay2function: shit Shiro did the Garrison let you leave that fast? 

 

pure: considering how pissed they were when we landed I expected your ass to be shipped to area 51

 

 Gremlin™: technically we should all be there rn 

 

SpaceGrandad: I think they all have the thought of “the world might end so fuck it” 

 

Gremlin™: “might” 

 

SpaceGrandad: I mean they let the extraterrestrials go soooo 

 

pure: dont call them that again 

 

Gremlin™: technically Shiro is an extraterrestrial as well considering he was made by- 

 

SpaceGrandad: *whispers* I will stab you 

 

Gremlin™: do it, you won’t 

 

2gay2function: Shiro stop 

 

SpaceGrandad: why is everyone harassing me 

 

2gay2function: wait mother you go out and you didn’t tell me? 

 

crayola: I need a break from all the ignorance 

 

pure: fair enough 

 

pure: wait where the fuck did pidge go

 

Gremlin™: I’m showing Coran, Allura and Romelle around earth in Green 

 

pure: so that’s where you went I thought you disappeared 

 

Gremlin™: yeah I just disappeared bc I can obviously do that 

 

pure: Technically-

 

Gremlin™: SHUT

 

2gay2function: to answer your question Shiro,  I want gushers 

 

Gremlin™: IM A SLUT FOR GUSHERS 

 

pure: gushers are my bitch 

 

TATER-THOT: get those fries with the little smiles bc I’ve been craving those 

 

pure: they are called smiley fries you uncultured SHIT 

 

Gremlin™: ruh roh Hunk snapped 

 

TATER-THOT: there is a lot of harassment here today 

 

2gay2function: is it weird we have been on earth for like 2 days 

 

pure: yes, very 

 

Gremlin™: I woke up in a cold sweat last night and screamed “BOOBIE BEAMS” 

 

2gay2function: What the fresh fuck 

 

Gremlin™: Remember when voltron unleashed all the quintessence from its chest 

 

Gremlin™: for some reason I was dreaming about that and thought *gasp* BOOBIE BEAMS 

 

pure: Pidge what the hell 

 

ADAM: I opened my phone and only saw BOOBIE BEAM

 

Gremlin™: I thought we’ve been over this Hunk I am not normal 

 

pure: none of us are 

 

Gremlin™: touché 

 

TATER-THOT: hey I have a serious question guys 

 

pure: shoot 

 

TATER-THOT: does Keith have like..any Cuban in him? Like some people have different cultures in them 

 

pure: ?????

 

SpaceGrandad: no body answer him. No one say anything 

 

TATER-THOT: What? I’m just curious if he has Cuban in him 

 

pure: i don’t think he does????

 

SpaceGrandad: STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW 

 

TATER-THOT: WOULD HE LIKE SOM- AKXBAJANSBDJAK

 

pure: wtf just happened 

 

Gremlin™: did lance have a seizure mid typing 

 

2gay2function: not today Satan 

 

TATER-THOT: KEITH OWWWW

 

Danthemememan: What the fuck did I walk in on 

 

pure: Keith what did you do

 

TATER-THOT: he phisically leaped over a table and a couch and slapped me so hard I got whiplash 

 

2gay2function: NOT ON MY GOOD CHRISTAIN MINECRAFT SERVER 

 

TATER-THOT: IM YOUR BOYFRIEND 

 

2gay2function: no excuse!!!

 

Danthemememan: *gasp* my virgin eyes 

 

Gremlin™: virgin 

 

TATER-THOT: virgin 

 

SpaceGrandad: virgin 

 

ADAM: virgin 

 

pure: virgin 

 

Danthemememan: perish, all of you perish 

 

Queen: What the-

 

Gremlin™: I found Krolia 

 

crayola: you little shit 

 

Gremlin™: you are literally sitting on a cliff drinking what I think is a bottle of vodka 

 

crayola: bold of you to say it’s just vodka 

 

Gremlin™: Keith control your mother 

 

2gay2function: that’s not possible and you even know that 

 

Mustache: wow Earth is such a cool place! 

 

pure: *snort* yep sure is 

 

Queen: I liked all of the historical features! 

 

Gremlin™: pffft tell them your favorite ones guys 

 

pure: pidge what did you do 

 

Queen: I liked the Fetty Wap in the place you call Paris! 

 

2gay2function: *chokes* wut 

 

Mustache: I personally liked the Quavo in Italy 

 

cornfused: the lil Wayne was pretty neat in Seattle 

 

SpaceGrandad: god damn it pidge 

 

pure: PIDGE 

 

Gremlin™: I got tired of telling them the actual names so I just told them rapper names 

 

2gay2function: also Jesus fuck you toured the entire world????

 

Gremlin™: duh I have a flying space cat now 

 

Danthemememan: y’all are privileged   

 

2gay2funciton: oh yeah does anyone want to know something stupid about lance 

 

TATER-THOT: don’t you fucking dare Kogane 

 

pure: we seriously can’t stay on the same topic for 2 seconds 

 

2gay2function: Lances mom told me some tea 

 

Gremlin™: spill da tea 

 

2gay2function: when he was little he was in an emo phase just to piss off his mom but she didn’t really care 

 

2gay2function: so when he wore all black and she didn’t care he I guess thought “oh I’m going to do something outrageous” and only wore dark navy bc she hated that color 

 

pure: wow Lance what a rebel 

 

Gremlin™: that is honestly hilarious and I’m filing it away in my spank bank 

 

SpaceGrandad: I’m sorry your what 

 

Gremlin™: it’s what I call my blackmail collection 

 

SpaceGrandad: why????

 

Gremlin™: bc I knew it would bother you guys 

 

pure: spank bank oml

 

2gay2funcion: Christ 

 

2gay2function: also Lance your parents met in such a cute way 

 

pure: I just love how Keith went to meet Lances parents 

 

TATER-THOT: SHUT

 

TATER-THOT: also why? My dad met my mom at a restaurant and told her a cheesy pun 

 

pure: hmmmmm reminds me of someone 

 

TATER-THOT: you know what Hunk

 

2gay2function: I just think it’s cute bc when my parents met it was when Krolia crashed her ship and to get her out my dad threw an axe at the door and yelled “here’s Johnny!” 

 

crayola: what a man 

 

Gremlin™: my parents met when my mom was running from the police in a protest and then saw my dad on a moped and jumped onto the back of it and yelled 

 

Gremlin™: DRIVE FUCKING DRIVE 

 

Danthemememan: that moped was a _mistake_  

 

TATER-THOT: OH MY GOD 

 

pure: IM CACKLING 

 

Gremlin™: my family is wild 

 

SpaceGrandad: I’m back from the store and I bought your requests 

 

2gay2function: HELL YEAH 

 

2gay2function: gushers are my life 

 

crayola: Keith if you find me sauce me a packet 

 

Queen: I would like to try these gushers 

 

Mustache: me as well! 

 

cornfused: same!

 

Gremlin™: the aliens need to try these and I need to film them where are you

 

2gay2function: idk I’m going to where Shiro is 

 

SpaceGrandad: my apartment 

 

2gay2function: I’m on my way 

 

pure: I can just imagine pidge screaming maximum overdrive as she blasts her ass all the way to shiros

  

SpaceGrandad: HOLY SHIT PIDGE 

 

pure: was I correct 

 

SpaceGrandad: she just landed the green lion right outside the apartment complex and gave like 4 people heart attacks 

 

ADAM: I was one of those people 

 

SpaceGrandad: also your park job was horrible 

 

Gremlin™: fight me Shiro 

 

Queen: I think my life flashed before my eyes 

 

2gay2function: pidge did you just fly half way around the world to get gushers 

 

pure: ok how 

 

Gremlin™: MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE 

 

pure: yEs

 

pure: did you forget you had passengers for a hot sec 

 

Queen: yeah excuse me 

 

Gremlin™: gushers are fucking good don’t patronize me 

 

Gremlin™: Shiro I’m too lazy to walk up throw the box out the window 

 

SpaceGrandad: eh why not 

 

ADAM: Shiro I swear 

 

2gay2function: there better be another box for me 

 

SpaceGrandad: calm your tits I got you a box 

 

pure: this is a mess 

 

crayola: wow

 

Queen: THESE ARE GOOOD 

 

Mustache: Why am I eating these for the first time??? I needed these like 10,000 years ago 

 

cornfused: amazing 

 

Gremlin™: ha they look like dogs eating peanut butter 

 

Queen: it’s confusing ok 

 

pure: oh my god this is too much 

 

crayola: wow 

* * *

Gremlin™: I just got done marathoning all of the marvel movies that deal with space bc um same

 

Gremlin™: and I thought about something 

 

SpaceGrandad: pidge it’s 3am 

 

Gremlin™: people that live on Asgard are asgardians 

 

Gremlin™: humans are midgardians 

 

2gay2function: pidge 

 

Gremlin™: bUt WhAt AboUt ThE BaCkYarDIganS???

 

 

TATER-THOT: Hi I’m Pablo 

 

Gremlin™: My name is Tyrone 

 

TATER-THOT: I’m Uniqua 

 

Gremlin™: I’m Tasha 

 

TATER-THOT: and my name is Austin 

 

Gremlin™: and we’re...

 

pure: oh god no 

 

TATER-THOT: YOUR BACKYARD FRIENDS THE BACKYARDIGANS 

 

2gay2function: SHUT IT DOWN SHUT IT DOWN 

 

2gay2function: WEE WOO WEE WOO 

 

crayola: IF YALL DONT SHUT THE FUCK UP IM KILLING YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP 

 

Gremlin™: ha that’s if I even sleep 

 

crayola: I’ll still kill you 

 

TATER-THOT: shutting up now 

* * *

 

Gremlin™; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGxHEhIhm6A&feature=share](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGxHEhIhm6A&feature=share)

 

crayola: OK THATS IT 

 

2gay2funcion: run bitch 

 

pure: why does this happen to me 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo season 7 is almost here and I’m panicking


	8. Interplanet Janet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot I was spelling Keith’s screen name wrong. I would go back to fix it but that’s so much work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today  
> Hope you enjoy!

2gay2function: I just mortified a couple of children how is everyone’s day

 

TATER-THOT: What the fuck did you do 

 

2gay2function: Cosmo was eating something and when I asked what was in his mouth he booked it 

 

2gay2function: but when I grabbed onto him he started teleporting all over the place and at one moment I ended up outside and scared the shit out of a couple of children 

 

pure: yeah you ended up teleporting behind me and I dropped my damn plate

 

2gay2function: sorry I was too busy screaming to notice

 

pure: rUde

 

2gay2function: at one moment he teleported and then launched me so high into the air I almost got stuck in a tree 

 

TATER-THOT: yeeeee haw

 

pure: nope stop it now 

 

crayola: OOOOOF

 

Gremlin™: I wish I could have seen that

 

2gay2function: what so you could add it to your spank bank 

 

Gremlin™: yes exactly 

 

TATER-THOT changed 2gay2functions name to interplanet Janet 

 

Interplanet Janet: are you high? Tf does this mean 

 

TATER-THOT: Got flashbacks to school of rock, and then saw your text about your ass getting launched. Idk why I chose it but it’s fucking hilarious 

 

Interplanet Janet: I feel attacked 

 

TATER-THOT: oh come on you love me 

 

Interplanet Janet: yeah I do but still 

 

Gremlin™: clink clink bitch I call dibs on the first toast 

 

TATER-THOT: what

 

Interplanet Janet: what

 

Gremlin™: what

 

Danthemememan: FUCK

 

pure: you good

 

Danthemememan: I’m going to Kermit soup on the side 

 

TATER-THOT: Christ

 

SpaceGrandad: What the hell 

 

Danthemememan: our ships engines are failing and we are ALMOST TO EARTH

 

Gremlin™: well now I want to Kermit sewer slide too

 

pure: pidge no 

 

Gremlin™: pidge yes 

 

SpaceGrandad: stop 

 

Interplanet Janet: how close are you 

 

Danthemememan: Mars 

 

pure: damn that’s unfortunate 

 

Danthemememan: after finally getting repairs on our ships they fucking fail 

 

Danthemememan: living the dream guys it’s ok 

 

cornfused: QUIZACK

 

pure: What the hell is happening 

 

pure: and it’s quiznack 

 

Interplanet Janet: too much to comprehend 

 

TATER-THOT: Romelle language! And it’s pronounced “fuck” 

 

Queen: lance no 

 

TATER-THOT: #letRomellesayfuck2k18

 

SpaceGrandad: what’s wrong Romelle 

 

cornfused: Coran, Aullura and I are trying to figure out your stove 

 

SpaceGrandad: I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 2 MIN 

 

Interplanet Janet: why the hell would you leave them alone period 

 

SpaceGrandad: I thought I retired from watching children damn it 

 

cornfused: i am in pain 

 

SpaceGrandad: god damn it I’m coming 

 

SpaceGrandad: if I come back to any thing on fire we are gonna have a problem 

 

ADAM: What was that about fire 

 

Interplanet Janet: Shiro left the aliens alone in your aprartment 

 

ADAM: Fucking hell Shiro 

 

SpaceGrandad: stop attacking me

 

Gremlin™: I came up with a new chant for if there is poisonous gas in the area

 

Interplanet Janet: are we all on drugs rn

 

Gremlin™: it’s goes like “if it smells like trout, time to get the fuck out” 

 

TATER-THOT: i don’t think that’s what gas smells like 

 

Gremlin™: fight me lance 

 

pure: I don’t like this energy 

 

ADAM: Shiro is the apartment on fire 

 

SpaceGrandad: no 

 

ADAM: good 

 

pure: how did you two even meet? I never asked 

 

ADAM: we were in the same class in the Garrison and I saw him in a corner eating hot Cheetos with chopsticks and drinking red bull w coffee like a shot 

And I thought 

“I can’t not date him” 

 

pure: that’s glorious 

 

Interplanet Janet: to all the people who think Shiro was a calm and collected guy before Kerberos. You wrong 

 

SpaceGrandad: not even going to argue 

 

Gremlin™: mood 

 

TATER-THOT: the Garrison was a mess for everyone 

 

pure: yep even you 

 

TATER-THOT: I had some bad moments 

 

pure: like the time you crashed one of the officers hover bikes and blamed it on Keith 

 

TATER-THOT: ...what have you done 

 

pure: whoops 

 

Interplanet Janet: _**run**_

 

pure: ah shit


	9. Bongo titties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter bc I cant think of anything to write about, I’m at a complete loss here.
> 
> But anyway, the first part of this chapter happened to me at a friends house and it was interesting

Interplanet Janet: remind me to never have a sleep over with you guys ever again 

 

Gremlin™: oh come on it was fun 

 

Interplanet Janet: you almost killed me 

 

Gremlin™: yeah. Fun 

 

Danthemememan: we got the ships fixed and we are on our way again. What is this about a sleepover?????

 

TATER-THOT: we decided to have a sleepover at shiros apartment and it all went to shit 

 

Gremlin™: we started off this experience with playing cut throat kitchen 

 

TATER-THOT: so much panicking 

 

Danthemememan: damn it I missed this???

 

Interplanet Janet: Pidge threw a knife at my head when I stole the milk 

 

Interplanet Janet: like damn 

 

pure: Coran, Allura and Romelle were on a team since they didnt know wtf they were doing

 

pure: they failed miserably

 

Interplanet Janet: I choked on my water when I heard 

“who ever threw chocolate at my head your moms a hoe” 

 

Gremlin™: who was that 

 

TATER-THOT: me bc hunk threw fucking melted chocolate all over me 

 

pure: I GET COMPETITIVE 

 

Danthemememan: oh my god 

 

Gremlin™: hunk is like the fucking Gordon Ramsay if the group 

 

TATER-THOT: WHERE IS THE LAMB SAUCE 

 

Interplanet Janet: Shiro Adam and Krolia were in the corner taking red bull w vodka shots 

 

crayola: I’m a parental 

 

SpaceGrandad: a responsible parental 

 

ADAM: such inspirations 

 

Interplanet Janet: Hunk won 

 

Interplanet Janet: obviously 

 

pure: I felt so honored 

 

Gremlin™: how the fuck did he win we have him fish sauce as a disadvantage 

 

pure: I wil never reveal my secret 

 

Danthemememan: What is so bad about that 

 

Interplanet Janet: you haven’t heard the whole thing 

 

Interplanet Janet: at 3 am 

 

Danthemememan: oh no 

 

Interplanet Janet: we are all trying to sleep until all of a sudden I hear Lance and Pidge cackling

 

Interplanet Janet: I wake up and see that Pidge put a flash light on her stomach facing up at the ceiling, causing her knees to make shadows 

 

Danthemememan: OH NO 

 

Interplanet Janet: she fucking starts banging on them screaming “BONGO TITTIES” 

 

Interplanet Janet: Allura and Romelle were fucking loosing it and coran was in the corner like 

ಠ_ಠ

 

TATER-THOT: Shiro just stood up and left his own apartment 

 

Gremlin™: I felt like I was on hard core drugs 

 

Gremlin™: did any body slip pot into my food 

 

pure: probably 

 

Danthemememan: did you guys even sleep 

 

Gremlin™: no we did not 

 

Interplanet Janet: never again 

 

Danthemememan: Christ 

 

pure: it was an experience 

 

Queen: I couldn’t breathe 

 

TATER-THOT: I need to take a phat nap rn 

 

pure: did you just spell fat with a ph 

 

TATER-THOT: um duh 

 

Gremlin™: I think we entered another reality 

 

SpaceGrandad: go take a nap 

 

* * *

TATER-THOT: AHHHHHH FUCK

 

SpaceGrandad: can you like not 

 

TATER-THOT: buy my silence Shiro 

 

pure: you good

 

TATER-THOT: I want to shove an entire bag of jelly beans up my ass 

 

pure: do you need therapy 

 

TATER-THOT: maybe 

 

Gremlin™: mood 

 

SpaceGrandad: What happened 

 

TATER-THOT: I saw my ex girlfriend from freshman year at the store 

 

Interplanet Janet: um wat

 

crayola: ew

 

TATER-THOT: freshman year was a mistake ok 

 

TATER-THOT: but when I saw her I almost crashed into a isle making her look right at me 

 

TATER-THOT: “oooh lance...how’s it going?.....” obviously uncomfortable 

 

TATER-THOT: and like the fucking idiot I am i responded with “I have a boyfriend!” And then skuttled away 

 

Interplanet Janet: wow 

 

pure: you are such a great human being 

 

TATER-THOT: my brain said “say hi” and my mouth said “fuck no” 

 

TATER-THOT: so Im panicking and now I want to die 

 

Gremlin™: at least you didn’t pull a Matt and say “You have eyes” when trying to say “your eyes are pretty”

 

Danthemememan: Pidge I didn’t come here to get harassed 

 

Gremlin™: too bad 

 

SpaceGrandad: the human brain is such a great thing 

 

TATER-THOT: ikr 

 

TATER-THOT: “most intelligent species” my ass I’ve seen an ant act smarter than me 

 

pure: mood 

 

Danthemememan: WE ARE ALMOST LANDING ON BEARTH

 

Danthemememan: FUCK ***EARTH 

 

Interplanet Janet: bearth

 

Gremlin™: bearth

 

TATER-THOT: bearth

 

pure: bearth

 

Danthemememan: You know fucking what 

 

Danthemememan: is it too late to turn around and find a black hole to launch myself into 

 

Interplanet Janet: mood

 

pure: Jesus Christ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t breathe bc I did a “guess that voltron characters name and personality” with my friends who don’t fucking watch voltron and they got it so fucking wrong it’s so bad. 
> 
> They called Zarcon Ben. Fucking ben 
> 
> Coran was Clyde. I think I need a breather


	10. Yoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk what this is I’m sorry

Danthemememan: WORRY NOT 

 

Danthemememan: YOUR LOCAL MEME HAS ARIVED 

 

Interplanet Janet: tf 

 

Gremlin™ changed Danthemememans name to DeadManWalking 

 

DeadManWalking: ah fuck 

 

TATER-THOT: What the hell 

 

Gremlin™: now that you are here Matt, I have started arranging your funeral, do you prefer red or white roses? 

 

pure: What is happening 

 

Gremlin™: my mom is pissed 

 

Gremlin™: have fun with that bro bro 

 

DeadManWalking: the white roses seem appropriate 

 

Interplanet Janet: so why is Matt dead? 

 

Gremlin™: bc his ass has been in space for like 2 years 

 

Interplanet Janet: makes sense 

 

DeadManWalking: so I’m confused 

 

DeadManWalking: did the Garrison kids become depressed or just more weird?

 

pure: explain 

 

DeadManWalking: as I was being escorted by the Garrison officers, I heard a kid scream down the hall 

 

“THIS IS MY STRESS KAZOO” *loud and frenzied kazooing*

 

pure: fat mood 

 

Interplanet Janet: if I had one of those in space it would break in like 4 seconds 

 

TATER-THOT: you were a mess man 

 

Interplanet Janet: what do you mean? I was perfectly fine *cries* 

 

Gremlin™: that’s so sad Alexa play despacito 

 

pure: never type that again 

 

SpaceGrandad: ew 

 

Queen: I’m so confused 

 

cornfused: hey that’s my lime

 

cornfused: *line 

 

TATER-THOT: lime 

 

pure: lime 

 

Queen: lime 

 

Mustache: lime 

 

Interplanet Janet: lime 

 

cornfused: I feel attacked 

 

crayola: oof 

 

DeadManWalking: I need to take a phat nap man

 

Gremlin™: you are getting more than just a nap when you come home 

 

DeadManWalking: shit 

* * *

 

Interplanet Janet: pidge you’re an amazing bean 

 

Gremlin™: Keith you are a fantastic bean 

 

Interplanet Janet: you’re the trademark green bean 

 

Gremlin™: you’re the smol red emo bean 

 

Interplanet Janet: WE BE THE AMAZING BEANS 

 

Gremlim™: BEAN-WARE OF US! 

 

Interplanet Janet: GREEN BEAN 

 

Gremlin™: AND EMO BEAN 

 

Interplanet Janet: READY FOR WORLD DOMINATION 

 

TATER-THOT: guys what the fuck 

 

pure: are you guys on drugs 

 

SpaceGrandad: IT IS 2AM WHAT THE HELL 

 

Interplanet Janet: sorry pidge and I just had a moment 

 

crayola: well the moment better be over or I’m throwing you off a roof 

 

Interplanet Janet: I am your son!

 

crayola: son who? 

 

Gremlin™: oof

* * *

 

Interplanet Janet: WHEN I WAS 

 

SpaceGrandad: no

 

Interplanet Janet: A YOUNG BOY 

 

SpaceGrandad: dont 

 

Interplanet Janet: MY MOTHER LEFT mE On PLANET EARTH 

 

SpaceGrandad: Keith please is 4am 

 

Interplanet Janet: To JoIn ThE GaLRa WAr

 

SpaceGrandad: I will drag you by the mullet and throw you in a dumpster if you don’t do to bed 

 

Interplanet Janet: *deep inhale* SHE SAID SoN WHeN YoU GrOw UP WILL you BE THE SaViOUr oF HuMAnS AnD tHe GaLRa

 

Interplanet Janet: sleep? Idk her 

 

SpaceGrandad: Christ 

* * *

 

TATER-THOT: hey guys I came up with a list of cute names to call a significant other 

 

Interplanet Janet: ????

 

TATER-THOT: 

-mister dude 

-sir brah 

-dude esquire

-good dude 

\- vitamin d 

 

TATER-THOT: thanks for coming to my red talk

 

Gremlin™: VITAMIN D 

 

Interplanet Janet: if you ever call me any of those I’m breaking up with you 

 

TATER-THOT: well ok 

 

DeadManWalking changed his name to AliveAndThriving 

 

AliveAndThriving: fear not 

 

AliveAndThriving: I am alive 

 

AliveAndThriving: also thanks for letting me crash at your place Shiro 

 

SpaceGrandad: no prob 

 

pure: guys I just taught Romelle the word yeet and I think I broke her 

 

Queen: What 

 

cornfused: yeet

 

TATER-THOT: ???

 

cornfused: yoot 

 

cornfused: yotum 

 

cornfused: yute

 

cornfused: yeeten

 

cornfused: yate

 

cornfused: yeeth

 

cornfused: yeeted 

 

SpaceGrandad: you stop that right now 

 

Gremlin™: me and intellectual: let her finish 

 

Interplanet Janet: I think Romelle is having a crisis 

 

Gremlin™: good job hunk 

 

pure: whoops 

 

TATER-THOT: *adds that to the reason why aliens should never go to earth*

 

Interplanet Janet: accurate 

 

SpaceGrandad: OK LISTEN UP 

 

Interplanet Janet: oh no 

 

SpaceGrandad: WHO EVER SPIKED MY BROWNIES WITH POT IS GOING TO DIE 

 

TATER-THOT: oooof 

 

Gremlin™: line up the suspects 

 

Gremlin™: Shiro who was in your apartment last

 

TATER-THOT: Pidge is the next Sherlock Holmes 

 

TATER-THOT: I almost typed gnomes 

 

Interplanet Janet: ew 

 

SpaceGrandad: ILL TELL YOU AFTER IM DONE FIGHTING THIS DRAGON 

 

Gremlin™: ooof

 

AliveAndThriving: hehe

 

SpaceGrandad: mATT

 

Gremlin™: MATT you have been on earth for a day and you already drug someone 

 

AliveAndThriving: I couldn’t not do it, the brownies were just sitting there 

 

SpaceGrandad changed AliveAndThrivings name to PotHead

 

PotHead: heyyyyyyyy

 

Gremlin™: man I’m thriving from this name change harassment on matt 

 

Queen: What is happening 

 

TATER-THOT: drugs 

 

ADAM: GOD DAMN IT 

 

SpaceGrandad: I think I’m going to die 

 

crayola: did someone say pot brownies 

 

Interplaney Janet: MOTHER 

 

TATER-THOT: omg Krolia 

 

crayola: just because I was an alien on earth doesn’t mean I didn’t party 

 

pure: oh my god 

 

Mustache: *gets flashbacks to the time I had drugs* 

 

Queen: CORAN NO 

 

Mustache: coran yEs

 

pure: this is a disaster 

 

SpaceGrandad: I’m just watching the ceiling spin don’t mind me 

 

ADAM: do you remember the time Keith gave you pot brownies 

 

TATER-THOT: WHAT 

 

ADAM: Shiro- “hey Keith I ate a couple of those brownies in the fridge is that alright?” 

 

Keith- “yep they should kick in soon”

 

Shiro- “kick in?”

 

Shiro- “.......Keith....” 

 

Gremlin™: y’all need Jesus 

 

Interplanet Janet: yep 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a mug brownie last night and I thought I was on hard core drugs after I ate it. Fun times


	11. Ok that’s it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yep....

Soooooo

 

 

season 7 happened 

 

 

I did an all nighter and I look like I’m hungover. Also Idk wtf is happening 

 

 

And I....yeah

 

wow

 

comment your opinion on season 7 guys. 

I might make another group chat with things a little more accurate to season 7 but for now...we are just gonna end this riiiiighhht here.

 

im so sorry. Thanks for all of your nice comments and I’m glad you all liked this! 

 

Have a nice day y’all 

**Author's Note:**

> Im so sorry 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed! Have a good day

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [a mess, really](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15701631) by [eli_writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eli_writes/pseuds/eli_writes)




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